I am asexual…

I am 21 and pretty confident than I am asexual. I have had sex with numerous people and have not enjoyed it. Is there a place (online or real life) to meet other asexual people? I’d still like to be in a relationship, but not with a partner that is expecting regular sexual intercourse.

First of all, thanks so much for your question and reaching out. We’re glad you turned to OUTline 🙂

Secondly, it sounds like you’re feeling a bit of distress about your asexuality. And in this hyper-sexualised world of ours, we know asexuals can be judged or discriminated against, and invisibility and erasure are huge problems. It seems like you may want to connect with some other folks on the asexual spectrum who have been there and know what this can be like. A really great resource is AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which has lots of chat forums available here.

If you’re looking for something local, here are some on-campus opportunities:

  • Guelph Queer Equality (GQE) runs weekly socials for people to meet, mingle, and have fun. Some of the people at these events may also be asexual and interested in chatting about their experiences.
  • CampOUT is a weekly meeting space for LGBTQ2IA+, questioning, and non-identified students to chat and discuss issues and topics relevant to their experiences. This is a confidential group where identities, questions, and concerns can be addressed together. To find out the location of the meetings, you can email campout@uoguelph.ca.
  • OUTline ONline offers anonymous and confidential real-time support relating to sexual orientation and gender identity. We have trained volunteers who also identify as asexual, and would be happy to chat with you any night, 5-10 pm, via qlinks.ca/outline.

Also, OUTline would love to support the need for an asexual space/social allocation at the University of Guelph. If you are interested in talking more about this possibility, you can email outline@uoguelph.ca (do note the non-confidential nature of email, however).

Speaking as a person on the asexual spectrum, intimate and romantic relationships with allosexual (not asexual) people can be tough. As you noted, the expectation of sex is unfortunately all to common, but thankfully there are amazing allies out there. Having frank and regular conversations about sexual activity, masturbation, and boundaries can be really important. When looking for (a) partner(s), I would emphasize respect. If someone truly respects you, it’s much easier to navigate things like sex (or what you can do in its absence). If you are in a relationship and would like to speak to a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, you can get in touch with the University of Guelph’s Couple and Family Therapy Centre (open to the public) by calling 519-824-4120 extension 56335. Evening and daytime appointments are available, there is a very minimal wait list (if any), you can be seen within two weeks of intake (an intake interview can be conducted on the phone), and they offer a sliding scale for payment.

Thank you again for your submission, and we wish you all the best in the future!

– The incoming volunteers + Amber

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